Puffy, white cottonballs swirled through the air as I drove to Chattanooga this morning. Who knew that He would kiss my face with joy today? Unassumingly, I prayed that Papa would allow me to enjoy my 2nd student teaching placement. My first placement was so wonderful, I struggled to think I would be able to enjoy my 2nd placement at all.
Questions swirled through my head just like the puffy cottonballs falling from the sky. A CDC classroom? Not me, Papa...you know me: the smart, creative, overachieving daughter? What can I offer these kids...I do not have the patience. What if I have to change diapers? Dear God, please, please no diapers, I may throw up, You know me!
Pulling up to a school blanketed in soft, billowy white I wiped away a tear, and maybe a little pride. Okay, Papa, whatever You choose. I will follow You. Wait, did I mention I got lost during my mental meandering? Yes, I actually traveled 26 miles out of my way, and had to call Nice Office Lady to get directions.
Hold my hand, Papa, I prayed as I entered the standard school office and greeted Nice Office Lady. I walked through the hallways, finding my way through a maze of corridors with the help of *Julius, the sweet student who will be my GPS for the next 8 weeks.
11 little heads turned as I entered the room. No wheelchairs, no walkers, no diapers....just 11 perfect little heads, with sweet brown eyes of several different shades. Some smiled, some stared, but my heart sang. Real Teacher continued the lesson on weather, "What is happening outside?" Little voices sqealed, "Snow!!! It's Snowing!" They talk! Yes. Thank You God. One by one I was introduced to them all. Little Twisty Hair Girl, Sweet Chubby Boy, Soft Brown Eyes, Pink Shirt-Matching Skirt Girl, Combat Boot Boy, Tall Girl, Super Big Second Grade Boy, Shy Girl, Fro Girl, and Flapping Hands each in turn, some with prompting, some without. About 20 minutes into class, the excitement in the room was electric - the PUFFY WHITE COTTON WAS LANDING ON THE GROUND!!!!!!!! 11 perfect little heads peeped over the window and perfect little five fingered hands pointed at the winter wonderland. Real Teacher and I could not stand it any longer. We had already read Green Eggs and Ham and no one could sit still....jackets flew about the room, yelps, squeals, calls, and laughter filled the air. 28 feet scrambled to the playground covered in feathery white goodness (6 extra legs for me, Real Teacher, and Awesome Assistant Man). Even in a skirt joyful, childlike giddyness would not escape me (not to mention no one was wearing a scarf or gloves). A cold, white cottonball war ensued. My new students screamed and played, they chased me through the snow and tackled me. Before I knew it the principal was outside too, videotaping our ridiculous fun.
Flapping Hands and Super Big Second Grade Boy pursued me with perfect schoolboy vigor, my favorite grey flats were no match for their adept strides; I slipped, fell and was immediately covered in children and snow. We rolled and rolled. Laughter sprinkled through the air like a gentle melody. I closed my eyes trying to understand the moment. God kissed me so beautifully in that smelly mess of soggy snow and students. I never noticed my frozen hands and wet feet until we returned to the building. Next thing I knew school was cancelled and all the children were being picked up from school.
Driving away from Winter Wonderland the puffy, white cottonballs glided through the air and my mind wandered again. Questions stirred and my heart was full of love. Why me Papa? Why do You let me meet these kids? Who am I that I might get to know them? I am not ready, Papa. I can offer them nothing.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Friday, December 4, 2009
Castles in the Air
If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.
--Henry David Thoreau
I am getting quote happy...
yes, I find that when I get quote happy, it is indicitive of my heart...
my desire to live for something more than I am already.
The hope that somehow, the inspiration God has given others will spur me on to do His will...
What makes me come alive?
What draws me out of my egocentric, self pleasing mode into the lives of others?
Maybe you don't want to know, maybe no one will ever read this, that is okay. Writing it out, putting my thoughts into written words makes sense of all the mumbo jumbo in my head.
I am passionate about children -
small, impressionable, real, bubbly, vulnerable little depictions of God.
I am so aware of true life when I touch the finger of a little baby -
soft skin, pink with new blood pumping through its little body,
tender and pliable - like clay.
I am refreshed by the bursting laughter of little boys -
full of vitality, gusto, pure delight, and wonder-filled with curiosity.
I am inspired and challenged while reading about missionaries of old -
with their unwavering faith, persevering spirits, joyful hearts, and pained testimonies...
throwing themselves at the world like a blazing torch,
piercing the looming darkness.
I am made alive as those around me live -
full of hope, dreams, God given gifts and aspirations...
living examples of Christ
blazing fires for His name
as they live out His truths my heart responds
echoing their joyous living in my own life.
Oh Lord, may my life be one that is for others. Make me a blazing fire for Your name, that I would light others for Your glory.
--Henry David Thoreau
I am getting quote happy...
yes, I find that when I get quote happy, it is indicitive of my heart...
my desire to live for something more than I am already.
The hope that somehow, the inspiration God has given others will spur me on to do His will...
What makes me come alive?
What draws me out of my egocentric, self pleasing mode into the lives of others?
Maybe you don't want to know, maybe no one will ever read this, that is okay. Writing it out, putting my thoughts into written words makes sense of all the mumbo jumbo in my head.
I am passionate about children -
small, impressionable, real, bubbly, vulnerable little depictions of God.
I am so aware of true life when I touch the finger of a little baby -
soft skin, pink with new blood pumping through its little body,
tender and pliable - like clay.
I am refreshed by the bursting laughter of little boys -
full of vitality, gusto, pure delight, and wonder-filled with curiosity.
I am inspired and challenged while reading about missionaries of old -
with their unwavering faith, persevering spirits, joyful hearts, and pained testimonies...
throwing themselves at the world like a blazing torch,
piercing the looming darkness.
I am made alive as those around me live -
full of hope, dreams, God given gifts and aspirations...
living examples of Christ
blazing fires for His name
as they live out His truths my heart responds
echoing their joyous living in my own life.
Oh Lord, may my life be one that is for others. Make me a blazing fire for Your name, that I would light others for Your glory.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Ramblings of a Sojourner
I refuse to live without his presence...
without his light...
I refuse to walk without his hand in mine...
without his closeness
There is no one else that makes my heart sing...
No one else that renews my joy...
God, please don't allow me to fall for the things of this world...
Because only Your way, Your love, and Your will fulfill me.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick....homesick for Heaven?
I want to be there, in that place where God is...
bowing down at His throne, thinking about NOTHING but Him.
seeing NOTHING but His glory.
consumed by His holiness and beauty.
The more I know Him, the more I realize how little I know about Him....
or anything.
Have I ever had a moment where my heart and mind were completely focused on Him?
Not distracted at all, not even for a moment?
How can I tune out the world when it is all around me?
Where is that quiet place I yearn for?
The place where it is just He and I and we can be intimate together?
God, I want to come up higher.
I want to hear the angels cry out "Holy, Holy, Holy".
I want to join in their mighty chorus with my small voice and testify of Your
HOLINESS.
Take me to that place...
without his light...
I refuse to walk without his hand in mine...
without his closeness
There is no one else that makes my heart sing...
No one else that renews my joy...
God, please don't allow me to fall for the things of this world...
Because only Your way, Your love, and Your will fulfill me.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick....homesick for Heaven?
I want to be there, in that place where God is...
bowing down at His throne, thinking about NOTHING but Him.
seeing NOTHING but His glory.
consumed by His holiness and beauty.
The more I know Him, the more I realize how little I know about Him....
or anything.
Have I ever had a moment where my heart and mind were completely focused on Him?
Not distracted at all, not even for a moment?
How can I tune out the world when it is all around me?
Where is that quiet place I yearn for?
The place where it is just He and I and we can be intimate together?
God, I want to come up higher.
I want to hear the angels cry out "Holy, Holy, Holy".
I want to join in their mighty chorus with my small voice and testify of Your
HOLINESS.
Take me to that place...
Friday, November 27, 2009
More.
THE LORD IS GOOD AND HIS MERCY ENDURES FOREVER!
Teach me Lord to understand this fundamental truth about Who You are!!!! I want to know You, more than yesterday...I want to learn more, grow, and remain ever in passionate pursuit of You.
My heart knows that there is more...
more grace, if I would just grab hold of the altar -
more hope, if I would only reach up and take hold of His hands -
more faith, if I would stop looking at me and look into His eyes -
more fire, if I would devour His word as though it were
food for my soul -
more mercy, if I would only stop looking at where I am going and see where He has gone -
I know that there is more...
I know that it is mine...
So why don't I have it?
Because I have chosen less...
less grace, because I fear that in seeking His face, He may require something of me -
less hope, because I am afraid that holding His hands may mean relinquishing my dreams -
less faith, because I know that His eyes are full of an unquenchable flame and my little flame does not burn anything away -
less fire, because I have found that His Word is like a two edged sword and I do not want to embrace pain -
less mercy, because I am afraid that the Lord will ask me to go to the cross with Him -
This is why I have less...but how I want more -
God burn away these fears, these boundaries and walls that I have set up around my heart....
even if I cry and fight oh Lord, I pray that You would do Your work in me,
Yes, I will pray dangerously -
I must have more.
Teach me Lord to understand this fundamental truth about Who You are!!!! I want to know You, more than yesterday...I want to learn more, grow, and remain ever in passionate pursuit of You.
My heart knows that there is more...
more grace, if I would just grab hold of the altar -
more hope, if I would only reach up and take hold of His hands -
more faith, if I would stop looking at me and look into His eyes -
more fire, if I would devour His word as though it were
food for my soul -
more mercy, if I would only stop looking at where I am going and see where He has gone -
I know that there is more...
I know that it is mine...
So why don't I have it?
Because I have chosen less...
less grace, because I fear that in seeking His face, He may require something of me -
less hope, because I am afraid that holding His hands may mean relinquishing my dreams -
less faith, because I know that His eyes are full of an unquenchable flame and my little flame does not burn anything away -
less fire, because I have found that His Word is like a two edged sword and I do not want to embrace pain -
less mercy, because I am afraid that the Lord will ask me to go to the cross with Him -
This is why I have less...but how I want more -
God burn away these fears, these boundaries and walls that I have set up around my heart....
even if I cry and fight oh Lord, I pray that You would do Your work in me,
Yes, I will pray dangerously -
I must have more.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Shabbat Shalom
Yahweh.
Jehovah.
Rophe.
Shalom.
Nissi.
Yeshua.
Sidkenu.
Master.
Lover.
Refiner.
Savior.
Redeemer.
Jesus.
So many names for my King. So many attributes. What a wonder He is.
Oh, to search the depths of Him.
Lately, I have felt a strong urge to research my Jewish roots and relate Judaism to my relationship with God. So, as a faithful daughter, I have. I began worshipping with a Messianic Jewish congregation on Saturdays and resting on the Sabbath. I lit a Sabbath candle last night. A very special feeling came over me.
I also spent the day....and long into the morning, with friends. Laughing, playing, and talking about God. Nothing is more refreshing. His name, just the mention of it, makes my heart leap. I have felt this kind of love for a human...but even moreso for the King.
My response to Him is deep....deep calling unto deep.
Jonah broke his promise to me. And, yes, my heart is broken. Shattered into a thousand little, sharp pieces. Some days, or nights, the pieces scratch me, and I cry. Who will put my heart back together again? Who will touch the jagged edges and bleed for me as they piece my heart back together? Who will come and soothe me, who will rub my head and wrap me in their arms while I shake and cry? Who cares enough to sit with me for hours as I tremble and weep? Only One. Only Jesus. He will pick up the jagged edges of my broken heart at His own expense. He will place a healing salve on my heart and bind up my wounds.
As I pondered aloud the teachings of Christ and exchanged deep theological thought with friends tonight, a couple jagged edges were secured together and a little part of my heart was healed. God will surround me with strong friends to encourage my faith. Talking into the night, He will knit my heart together with friends like family. What has been taken, He will redeem. What I gave away, He will return to me.
Yes. Shabbat Shalom. Blessed, peaceful, rest.
Jehovah.
Rophe.
Shalom.
Nissi.
Yeshua.
Sidkenu.
Master.
Lover.
Refiner.
Savior.
Redeemer.
Jesus.
So many names for my King. So many attributes. What a wonder He is.
Oh, to search the depths of Him.
Lately, I have felt a strong urge to research my Jewish roots and relate Judaism to my relationship with God. So, as a faithful daughter, I have. I began worshipping with a Messianic Jewish congregation on Saturdays and resting on the Sabbath. I lit a Sabbath candle last night. A very special feeling came over me.
I also spent the day....and long into the morning, with friends. Laughing, playing, and talking about God. Nothing is more refreshing. His name, just the mention of it, makes my heart leap. I have felt this kind of love for a human...but even moreso for the King.
My response to Him is deep....deep calling unto deep.
Jonah broke his promise to me. And, yes, my heart is broken. Shattered into a thousand little, sharp pieces. Some days, or nights, the pieces scratch me, and I cry. Who will put my heart back together again? Who will touch the jagged edges and bleed for me as they piece my heart back together? Who will come and soothe me, who will rub my head and wrap me in their arms while I shake and cry? Who cares enough to sit with me for hours as I tremble and weep? Only One. Only Jesus. He will pick up the jagged edges of my broken heart at His own expense. He will place a healing salve on my heart and bind up my wounds.
As I pondered aloud the teachings of Christ and exchanged deep theological thought with friends tonight, a couple jagged edges were secured together and a little part of my heart was healed. God will surround me with strong friends to encourage my faith. Talking into the night, He will knit my heart together with friends like family. What has been taken, He will redeem. What I gave away, He will return to me.
Yes. Shabbat Shalom. Blessed, peaceful, rest.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Loving through Tears
There are some hurts to deep for words.
There is some gut wrenching, soul tearing, pain which cannot be verbalized...
Only wept.
Only screamed.
Only prayed.
Oh God, even in my darkest hour You are with me. Your right hand upholds me and is my strength.
You are my portion, my fuel, my need, my hope, all that I cling to.
As tears run rivers down my cheeks, love wells up in my heart...
I will not let this bitter root grow in me.
No I refuse to succomb to distress, pain, agony...
I choose LOVE.
LOVE covers a multitude of sins.
LOVE protects.
LOVE hopes.
LOVE saves.
As my soul longs for peace, the Lord is my Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom.
Nothing can steal my Shalom.
Nothing can take away my King.
He cleaves to me like I am one with Him.
He will not be severed.
He will allow no harm to come to me.
He will seal my heart with His kisses.
He will wrap me up inside his strong arms.
He will bottle up my tears....and considers them more precious than gold.
His face will shine on me like the sun.
His gentle hands will hold up my head and wipe my tears away.
I was born to love
through my tears,
I was born to laugh
through my fears.
So do not judge if in my darkest hour, I walk out in love and give myself to others.
Do not be suprised when my dreams lie around me in shattered pieces, I laugh and stand in the face of all my fears....
Love. Love. Love.
Laugh. Laugh. Laugh.
I was born to love through my tears and laugh through my fears.
There is some gut wrenching, soul tearing, pain which cannot be verbalized...
Only wept.
Only screamed.
Only prayed.
Oh God, even in my darkest hour You are with me. Your right hand upholds me and is my strength.
You are my portion, my fuel, my need, my hope, all that I cling to.
As tears run rivers down my cheeks, love wells up in my heart...
I will not let this bitter root grow in me.
No I refuse to succomb to distress, pain, agony...
I choose LOVE.
LOVE covers a multitude of sins.
LOVE protects.
LOVE hopes.
LOVE saves.
As my soul longs for peace, the Lord is my Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom.
Nothing can steal my Shalom.
Nothing can take away my King.
He cleaves to me like I am one with Him.
He will not be severed.
He will allow no harm to come to me.
He will seal my heart with His kisses.
He will wrap me up inside his strong arms.
He will bottle up my tears....and considers them more precious than gold.
His face will shine on me like the sun.
His gentle hands will hold up my head and wipe my tears away.
I was born to love
through my tears,
I was born to laugh
through my fears.
So do not judge if in my darkest hour, I walk out in love and give myself to others.
Do not be suprised when my dreams lie around me in shattered pieces, I laugh and stand in the face of all my fears....
Love. Love. Love.
Laugh. Laugh. Laugh.
I was born to love through my tears and laugh through my fears.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
153 Days!
I just returned from a weekend getaway with my future husband, and although we did not share a hotel room (because that would be scandalous), I did feel quite like a newlywed as we...
danced under the stars as the soft rain cooled our skin and the river rushed past us
sat side by side (instead of across from) one another in every restaraunt
could not stop holding hands
could not stop looking at one another
could not stop laughing at inside jokes, to the dismay of those nearby
smiled, and pecked, and pinched, and giggled, and whispered as though no one else could see
Despite our separate hotel rooms, every moment was a vision of our future together. Oh how I delight in him! He truly is the apple of my eye!
As he pulls out every chair for me
As the waiter smirks and says, "golly, she is flirting with you," as we leave the restaraunt
As he walks around the car to let me in EVERY time
As he picks up my golf ball instead of making me get it out of the hole
As he lets me "cheat" in put put so I am not too far behind him in points
Wow. My love for him grows. No one is like him. No one compares.
Mrs. Jonah Owens. With great joy I will take his name. May I honour it, as he has honoured me. May I be worthy of his name. Please Jesus, let me make him proud.
danced under the stars as the soft rain cooled our skin and the river rushed past us
sat side by side (instead of across from) one another in every restaraunt
could not stop holding hands
could not stop looking at one another
could not stop laughing at inside jokes, to the dismay of those nearby
smiled, and pecked, and pinched, and giggled, and whispered as though no one else could see
Despite our separate hotel rooms, every moment was a vision of our future together. Oh how I delight in him! He truly is the apple of my eye!
As he pulls out every chair for me
As the waiter smirks and says, "golly, she is flirting with you," as we leave the restaraunt
As he walks around the car to let me in EVERY time
As he picks up my golf ball instead of making me get it out of the hole
As he lets me "cheat" in put put so I am not too far behind him in points
Wow. My love for him grows. No one is like him. No one compares.
Mrs. Jonah Owens. With great joy I will take his name. May I honour it, as he has honoured me. May I be worthy of his name. Please Jesus, let me make him proud.
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