Castles in the Air

If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put foundations under them.
                                                        --Henry David Thoreau
 
I am getting quote happy...
yes, I find that when I get quote happy, it is indicitive of my heart...
my desire to live for something more than I am already.
The hope that somehow, the inspiration God has given others will spur me on to do His will...
What makes me come alive?
What draws me out of my egocentric, self pleasing mode into the lives of others?
Maybe you don't want to know, maybe no one will ever read this, that is okay. Writing it out, putting my thoughts into written words makes sense of all the mumbo jumbo in my head.

I am passionate about children -
small, impressionable, real, bubbly, vulnerable little depictions of God.
I am so aware of true life when I touch the finger of a little baby -
soft skin, pink with new blood pumping through its little body,
tender and pliable - like clay.
I am refreshed by the bursting laughter of little boys -
full of vitality, gusto, pure delight, and wonder-filled with curiosity.
I am inspired and challenged while reading about missionaries of old -
with their unwavering faith, persevering spirits, joyful hearts, and pained testimonies...
throwing themselves at the world like a blazing torch,
piercing the looming darkness.
I am made alive as those around me live -
full of hope, dreams, God given gifts and aspirations...
living examples of Christ
blazing fires for His name
as they live out His truths my heart responds
echoing their joyous living in my own life.

Oh Lord, may my life be one that is for others. Make me a blazing fire for Your name, that I would light others for Your glory.

Ramblings of a Sojourner

I refuse to live without his presence...
without his light...
I refuse to walk without his hand in mine...
without his closeness

There is no one else that makes my heart sing...
No one else that renews my joy...
God, please don't allow me to fall for the things of this world...
Because only Your way, Your love, and Your will fulfill me.
Hope deferred makes the heart sick....homesick for Heaven?
I want to be there, in that place where God is...
bowing down at His throne, thinking about NOTHING but Him.
seeing NOTHING but His glory.
consumed by His holiness and beauty.
The more I know Him, the more I realize how little I know about Him....

or anything.

Have I ever had a moment where my heart and mind were completely focused on Him?
Not distracted at all, not even for a moment?
How can I tune out the world when it is all around me?
Where is that quiet place I yearn for?
The place where it is just He and I and we can be intimate together?
God, I want to come up higher.
I want to hear the angels cry out "Holy, Holy, Holy".
I want to join in their mighty chorus with my small voice and testify of Your
HOLINESS.

Take me to that place...

More.

THE LORD IS GOOD AND HIS MERCY ENDURES FOREVER!

Teach me Lord to understand this fundamental truth about Who You are!!!! I want to know You, more than yesterday...I want to learn more, grow, and remain ever in passionate pursuit of You.

My heart knows that there is more...
more grace, if I would just grab hold of the altar -
more hope, if I would only reach up and take hold of His hands -
more faith, if I would stop looking at me and look into His eyes -
more fire, if I would devour His word as though it were
food for my soul -
more mercy, if I would only stop looking at where I am going and see where He has gone -
I know that there is more...
I know that it is mine...

So why don't I have it?

Because I have chosen less...

less grace, because I fear that in seeking His face, He may require something of me -
less hope, because I am afraid that holding His hands may mean relinquishing my dreams -
less faith, because I know that His eyes are full of an unquenchable flame and my little flame does not burn anything away -

less fire, because I have found that His Word is like a two edged sword and I do not want to embrace pain -
less mercy, because I am afraid that the Lord will ask me to go to the cross with Him -
This is why I have less...but how I want more -

God burn away these fears, these boundaries and walls that I have set up around my heart....
even if I cry and fight oh Lord, I pray that You would do Your work in me,

Yes, I will pray dangerously -
I must have more.

Shabbat Shalom

Yahweh.
Jehovah.
Rophe.
Shalom.
Nissi.
Yeshua.
Sidkenu.
Master.
Lover.
Refiner.
Savior.
Redeemer.
Jesus.

So many names for my King. So many attributes. What a wonder He is.
Oh, to search the depths of Him.

Lately, I have felt a strong urge to research my Jewish roots and relate Judaism to my relationship with God. So, as a faithful daughter, I have. I began worshipping with a Messianic Jewish congregation on Saturdays and resting on the Sabbath. I lit a Sabbath candle last night. A very special feeling came over me.
I also spent the day....and long into the morning, with friends. Laughing, playing, and talking about God. Nothing is more refreshing. His name, just the mention of it, makes my heart leap. I have felt this kind of love for a human...but even moreso for the King.

My response to Him is deep....deep calling unto deep.

Jonah broke his promise to me. And, yes, my heart is broken. Shattered into a thousand little, sharp pieces. Some days, or nights, the pieces scratch me, and I cry. Who will put my heart back together again? Who will touch the jagged edges and bleed for me as they piece my heart back together? Who will come and soothe me, who will rub my head and wrap me in their arms while I shake and cry? Who cares enough to sit with me for hours as I tremble and weep? Only One. Only Jesus. He will pick up the jagged edges of my broken heart at His own expense. He will place a healing salve on my heart and bind up my wounds.

As I pondered aloud the teachings of Christ and exchanged deep theological thought with friends tonight, a couple jagged edges were secured together and a little part of my heart was healed. God will surround me with strong friends to encourage my faith. Talking into the night, He will knit my heart together with friends like family. What has been taken, He will redeem. What I gave away, He will return to me.

Yes. Shabbat Shalom. Blessed, peaceful, rest.

Loving through Tears

There are some hurts to deep for words.

There is some gut wrenching, soul tearing, pain which cannot be verbalized...

Only wept.

Only screamed.

Only prayed.

Oh God, even in my darkest hour You are with me. Your right hand upholds me and is my strength.

You are my portion, my fuel, my need, my hope, all that I cling to.

As tears run rivers down my cheeks, love wells up in my heart...

I will not let this bitter root grow in me.

No I refuse to succomb to distress, pain, agony...

I choose LOVE.

LOVE covers a multitude of sins.

LOVE protects.

LOVE hopes.

LOVE saves.

As my soul longs for peace, the Lord is my Shalom.

Shalom.
Shalom.
Shalom.

Nothing can steal my Shalom.
Nothing can take away my King.

He cleaves to me like I am one with Him.

He will not be severed.

He will allow no harm to come to me.

He will seal my heart with His kisses.

He will wrap me up inside his strong arms.

He will bottle up my tears....and considers them more precious than gold.

His face will shine on me like the sun.

His gentle hands will hold up my head and wipe my tears away.

I was born to love
through my tears,
I was born to laugh
through my fears.

So do not judge if in my darkest hour, I walk out in love and give myself to others.
Do not be suprised when my dreams lie around me in shattered pieces, I laugh and stand in the face of all my fears....

Love. Love. Love.
Laugh. Laugh. Laugh.

I was born to love through my tears and laugh through my fears.

153 Days!

I just returned from a weekend getaway with my future husband, and although we did not share a hotel room (because that would be scandalous), I did feel quite like a newlywed as we...

danced under the stars as the soft rain cooled our skin and the river rushed past us

sat side by side (instead of across from) one another in every restaraunt

could not stop holding hands

could not stop looking at one another

could not stop laughing at inside jokes, to the dismay of those nearby

smiled, and pecked, and pinched, and giggled, and whispered as though no one else could see

Despite our separate hotel rooms, every moment was a vision of our future together. Oh how I delight in him! He truly is the apple of my eye!

As he pulls out every chair for me

As the waiter smirks and says, "golly, she is flirting with you," as we leave the restaraunt

As he walks around the car to let me in EVERY time

As he picks up my golf ball instead of making me get it out of the hole

As he lets me "cheat" in put put so I am not too far behind him in points

Wow. My love for him grows. No one is like him. No one compares.

Mrs. Jonah Owens. With great joy I will take his name. May I honour it, as he has honoured me. May I be worthy of his name. Please Jesus, let me make him proud.

Dear Ms. Francis

Dear Ms. Francis,

Yes it is true that we only met today, and at the nursing home no less...and yet something about you has struck a chord deep within my heart. I mean, no one else has such piercing blue eyes, especially not the kind that can freeze your soul one moment and melt your heart the next. So what if you yelled at the nurses and told them you would never let the "ugly couple" by your wheelchair which obstructed our path to Miss Ann...so what if you attempted to hit me when I smiled and asked you pleasantly how your day was...so what if you snapped at me when I asked you name and replied, "none of your d%mn business"...afterall, you are 90 years old with "too many grandchildren and great granchildren to be bothered counting".



After our sloppy hellos, you did inform me that you "knew Jesus way before (I) was ever around to scream and whine". You also allowed me to hold your hand (and yelled at Jonah to get his "stinking foot out of the way") and pray for you. You also told me that I pray beautifully.



Most of all, I remember the forlorn look on your face as Jonah and I walked down the corridor to the locked exit....I remember your words echoing behind us "I am their f^c%ing prisoner! They are holding me captive in this place!" The fear and torment in your voice and the confused anguish on your face reminded me why I do not beleive in locking away the elderly. Thank you Ms. Francis for finally letting it be "my business" to know your name (since at first you explicitly informed me it was not my business at all). When I said that I would pray for you I meant it. But even moreso I pray for me, and for my generation, and for our nation. I pray that we would not view our elders as burdens, but instead as wise people with great persepctive and experience and wisdom to offer. Without the elderly in our communities we will lack so much, we will lose so much wisdom and counsel.



Jesus, teach us to love those we so often overlook. Teach us to stop in the hallways of nursing homes and ask angry widows their name....teach us to look at them with love and respect, humility and admiration. Ms. Francis has had children, raised them and now had many descendants. Dear God, forgive us for our pride and the injustice we committ to those who would offer us nothing but great courage and knowledge for the future.

Loving Fiercely

As I lay awake after work each night (or morning, whichever you prefer), I find myself contemplating, philosophizing, mulling, thinking, soaking, looking, figuring, and reminiscing. This life is far too short for all of the above really. I mean, who has time to lie around and think? Not me. Maybe all of this thinking is why I am so tired at work even though I am done with classes until the middle of this month!

Regardless, my mind wanders and I find that I can go anywhere. Almost as though I am a child again. I was an avid reader as a child. I read anything I could get my hands on. Libraries were places I longed to visit on a daily basis. I loved the smell of dusty books and pine shelves. I longed to hide away in one of the long corridors formed by the rows and rows of perfectly organized books. Who knows how or why my affection for books began, all I know is that I poured over books every day. I lived in Avonlea with Anne, I had found the key to the Secret Garden, and was definitely President of The Babysitter's Club. My mind easily escaped to these fantasy worlds, I had vivid imagery of the towns, people, colors, accents, everything, tucked away in my mind and ready to be drawn upon whenever I pleased.

I say all this to provide you with an understanding of my late night/early morning meanderings. Lately, Jesus and I have tucked ourselves away in a different world. No kidding. I fall into my bed exhausted, prepared to melt away in the billowy goodness of my comforter, when He calls my name. It is as though He has written a book for me and I am dancing through the story each evening with Him. Away I go into my dreams, envisioning the future. Jesus takes me to worlds I have never known. He shows Himself to me in so many different ways. A couple nights ago I was staying at my parent's and decided to listen to a song before bed; I pulled out an old favorite: Jonah 33, and listened to a couple of tracks...then these words played:

Everything is trash compared to you!

Over and over again the chorus played and suddenly, I could see Jesus running through the world, into businesses, homes, office buildings, government meetings, hostels, prisons, orphanages...and at each place He was shouting the words of the song: "Everything is trash compared to you!" His voice was so full of passion and love. Some people would stop whatever they were doing and bow down at Jesus's feet. Others completely ignored Him, some wept and fell into His arms, and some stared at Him as though He were an intruder. From place to place, country to country, the King addressed people everywhere the same, and the responses varied little. As I watched this scene play out I began to wonder, why is Jesus saying this to us? Is He calling the trees trash? The Earth He created garbage? Is Jesus saying the only good thing is in humanity? That is when I heard Him speak directly to me:

" No. All of these things are not what they were created to be without humanity. My Father and I worked with the Spirit to create these things for you. Had we merely created the trees, the waters, the Earth, and the animals, all of these things would have very limited value. Through the creation of man, we established worth and value for all of Creation. The existence of everything on Earth is for you. Therefore, if I have not your love, affection, adoration, then what I have created is not serving its purpose. Everything on Earth loses its value when man is unable to see it through its original purpose: Creation created for the pleasure of humanity, Our gift to you. Everything is trash compared to you, My finest, highest creation for which all else was created. This is why you must love one another above all else, and love Me. Fire is in My eyes for My bride because I love you with a fierce, unquenchable love. I will never be satisfied with just moments with you. I lived and died so I could have eternity with you. Seeing things as I see them is your great challenge while on Earth; now you see in part and know in part...love as I do, SarahRuth. Recognize that I view everything as trash compared to my favored ones, my beloved human creation. Love fiercely."

Come to the Banqueting Table

Come to the banqueting table...
and feast.

Feast on protions of truest, purest love.
Feast on light and truth.

Among all the saints, the Bridegroom walks...
light emanates from His robes of Righteousness.
Every eye watches Him.
His feet blaze like fire,
His eyes burn with consuming love,
passionate kisses sweet like honey fall from His lips to ours.

Oh, this is the banqueting table.
This is the life of love.

Beside me sits my enemy,
the one I had not loved.
Her eyes they are soft and lovely,
forgiving and knowing all truth.

Beside her sits her enemy,
the one she did not love.
And each of us experience the same:

On Earth we separated and severed the Bride,
at His table we are One.

A holy, lovely, pure Bride we are,
feasting with the King.

He sings a song of passionate love to us,
and gives us everything.

Thank You Un-named Lee Alumni

A few days ago I was contacted by a Lee Alumni who has chosen to give to Lee students who have extreme financial need. He had recieved my thank you letter and chosen to respond. Over the course of the past few days we have exchanged prayer requests, brief testimonies, and related to one another's college experiences. On my way to work today I received a phone call from said alumni and got the opportunity to talk to him for a few minutes.

Recently, this alumni has had to deal with his father's passing to Heaven. I truly cannot imagine the pain and sorrow he is experiencing as he accepts the loss of his dear friend and father. These words remained with me throughout my shift today at work:

Alumni: My dad always introduced me as his son and best friend. I miss calling him and sharing what happened to me during the day, and hearing what his day was like.

My heart has been torn for him all day. On my way home from work, the Lord spoke to my heart saying,

"I like to introduce you as My daughter and best friend. I love it when you make time to share what happened in your day, and I relish the rare moments you allow Me to tell you about mine."

I am not sure there is much more that can be said. God has truly ravished my heart. He loves me so much. By the way, have you met my King, my Abba? He is my Best Friend. Oh, how I love Him!

Dear Un-Named Lee Alumni,

I am so thankful for your disclosure. I cannot imagine the sorrow in your heart right now, but I am so grateful that God has allowed us to communicate. Through your loss I have gained insight and revelation in my relationship with the Father. I praise God that you had an earthly father who knew how to show you Heavenly love. May your life continue to impact those around you, and may your life continue to reap the harvest of your father's legacy.

Call Me Truck Driver Lady

This weekend I...

spent some wonderful moments at Ryan's (aka The Nursing Home Cafeteria)

fell in love with Jonah all over again

said, "Thank you Jesus" after glass items fell without breaking - only 100 times

watched my Christ-like fiance' go without sleep because he loves me

realized what a good problem solver Jonah is

should have been born a princess - they do not have to move their own belongings

oh, and drove a truck! A very big truck, with lots of furniture in it!

What a great weekend....

Pinning God

Anyone reading this blog knows that I am engaged to a most wonderful man. Jonah and I are to be married March 6th, 2010, and we are so excited! Everything about Jonah screams wonderful to me. His sweet disposition, strength, wisdom, tenderness, humility....so much like Jesus. I have learned so many lessons from this man. For example, yesterday we this conversation on the phone:

Jonah: You are due for a good squeeze. When I see you I am going to pick you up and spin you around and then flip you over.

Me: (loving this flirtatious banter) No! You will not! 'Cause I am gonna beat you up.

Jonah: Ha, ha. No you won't.

Me: Yes I will. I will beat you up and wrestle you, and throw you to the ground.

Jonah: I will put you in a headlock and kiss your face.

Me: Na-ah. 'Cause I will pin you down and never ever let you up and what are you going to do about that huh mister?

Jonah: Well, I guess I will just have to let you.

I guess you are wondering what I could have possibly learned from this. Well, I began to think about how easily Jonah can overpower me (the benefit of being engaged to a man who used to bodybuild). Anytime we wrestle, he pins me - and I LOVE every second of it. Ocassionally though, he will allow me to pin him and then ask me, "You think I can't get out?" and I lie with great delight, "You can't, I have you pinned," and then Jonah swiftly proves me wrong while I laugh and squeal like a 3 year old.

Jesus and I have this very interesting relationship where He kind of shows me things through secenrios in my life....giving me glimpses of Himself through my relationships here. After I got off the phone with Jonah yesterday, I thought about God and how often He allows me to pin Him in a box...pin Him to an idea....a doctrine....pin His name to a problem....and how easily He could get out. Why doesn't He just prevent me from pinning Him at all? Or when I do pin Him, why doesn't He show me how easily He can escape?

This morning as I walked around the Ocoee River by myself and had "church" with the King, He answered my questions. I was staring into the water thinking about how much fun Jonah and I have wrestling and trying to work out in my mind what God was trying to show me through this analogy...and that is when I got my answer.

God lets me pin Him so that I can have fun when He gets up! No joke. I realize that this sounds ridiculous but it is exactly what He showed me. Every time I pin God to a problem, doctrine, etc. to which He should not be pinned, He is permitting it. He could choose to reveal the misunderstanding immediately. He could point out how much stronger and wiser He is than me. Instead, He allows me to wrestle Him for a moment and then pin Him as long as I like. Eventually, He asks, "Do you really think that I cannot get out of this? Do you really think you can keep me pinned to this?" As I say "Yes," the Lord rolls out of my grasp in an instant and reveals how He is not the cause or linked to the idea... then I laugh, smile, cry, and stand in awe as God lets Himself out of my grasp time and again. It is like a game He plays with me, and loves just as much as I do.

Sitting by the river, I smiled really big and tears rolled down my cheek as I thought about just how wonderful my life is.

Thank you for wrestling with me, Abba. We have so much fun!

Amidst the undesired pull of my Human Physiology & Anatomy textbook, working full time, and trying to give my fiance' all the attention in the world, a unique little story has cropped up. A story without fabrication, in fact, a story which proves just how easily one person can influence another. So sit down, and let's have a little palaver.

One of the three places I am employed at gives me the distinct privilege of working with children and adolescents who have a lot of problems. Every day I go to work and meet new kids who are wonderfully different. Sometimes this poses quite a challenge. Like the 14 year old sexual predator who could ask more questions in 2 minutes than I could answer in a week. Now I understand how my professors feel. Who said wearing an employee badge makes me a cesspool of knowledge?

Another one of my challenging children was the 13 year old who on top of being psychotic (dealing with that is not really a problem, that is my job) could also walk up behind, beside, and/or in front of any staff member without even being noticed until she was and inch or so from your face - talk about a personal space issue!!!

My second shift working with younger children I got to meet the infamous Tyreke (name and some descriptive details changed for anonymity). Best known for his wild outbursts, Tyreke is apparently the next Houdini, as he can wiggle his way out of any physical hold, get himself "lost" in a locked facility for hours, and, at merely 5 years of age, he sees dead people. Okay, he's crazy right? Negative. I don't think so. During group, Tyreke explained to me how his day went in chronological order, he expressed a desire to return to school so he did not fall behind, and he calmly confessed, "Miss SarahRuth, I see dead people coming up out da' ground. And they be talkin' to me sometimes you know? They say, 'ooooh, we gonna kiiiiiiilllll yoooooooou boy!' And then they laugh at me".

Before you break out in hysterical laughter and accuse Tyreke of crying wolf, let me have a word with you in private. Okay, are you alone? Don't laugh at me, but I LOVE this little boy. Granted I only knew him for 6 short days; regardless, there is just something about his sweet baby face, his caramel skin, those little twisted fuzzy black hairs on his head, and his deep, bright, brooding cafe' colored eyes. The moment I met him I just wanted to pick up his little body and hold him in my arms. His little face screams,

"Hug me, hold me, please love me!"

And that is exactly what I am not allowed to do at my job. So, I restrained my maternal instinct to reassure this forlorn little soul in order to keep my job. Before I interrupted our palaver, we were discussing dead people, right?

As Tyreke announced his morbid hallucinations to myself and the other 10 little kids around him, I felt me heart melt. This little boy sees dead people? I wonder what else he has seen in his little life? Later, I pulled Tyreke aside and asked him a if he had ever heard of a man named Jesus. His little shoulders shrugged and he replied, "I guess so. My gramma says she likes to talk to 'im. I think she talks about me." I smiled and told him I was sure that she does.

Then I took a chance.

"Tyreke, can you keep a secret?"
His face lit up, "For sure."
"Jesus is the most powerful name in the whole world. If those dead people come back, all you have to do is say the name of Jesus and they have to go away."
Tyreke's cafe' colored eyes opened so wide I thought he might be about to go all psycho on me, "For real?? You mean I just tell 'em "JESUS' and they got to go?"
"Yes sir, Tyreke. They have to go away at the name of Jesus buddy."
"All right, I'll try it". And with that Tyreke ran back to the group.

Now might be a good time to mention that I would probably get fired if my boss knew about this conversation. Hopefully, he does not read my blog, and thankfully, I keep my facebook limited to my actual friends, not my employer.

Two days after I breeched protocol and told Tyreke how he could get rid of "dead people", I worked with him again. As I stepped off the elevator and into the group room, Tyreke came running up to me practically yelling, "Miss SarahRuth, you were right! I said 'Jesus' and dem dead people be runnin'!!!" He grabbed my hand and jumped a little bit while I was rewarded with the biggest, most beautiful smile I have ever seen.